It appears some readers are as unenlightened as myself in regards to this whole Baby Jesus thing, so I tied Christian up and tortured him until he could provide clarification on a few issues. The results, I’ve organized in this handy FAQ:
Q: Does Baby Jesus have reindeer that fly him from house to house? Or can you see a baby flying around in the sky?
A: Baby Jesus flies himself, but you don’t see him.
Q: Does he come down a chimney?
A: He doesn’t come down the chimney. He just appears; he… beams himself into the house.
Q: Leaving milk and cookies could still make sense…
A: He doesn’t eat milk and cookies.
Q: Then what does he eat?
A: He doesn’t eat anything.
Q: Do little children in Austria go to the mall and sit on Baby Jesus’ lap?
A: You don’t really picture Baby Jesus because you don’t ever see him. Just the results. So there’s no Baby Jesus’ lap.
Q: Then you’re saying Baby Jesus is invisible.
A: Well, no. You just don’t see him. He has the key to all locks so he shows up in the room and locks you out and then when he leaves, the door’s unlocked and there are presents.
Q: But while you were locked out of the room when you were little, surely you had a picture in your head of Baby Jesus…?
A: Well, yeah, but–
Q: So was he a crawling baby or a walking baby or what?
A: A crawling baby.
Q: So to summarize, Baby Jesus is a flying, invisible, locking-picking, anorexic, lapless, crawling baby?
A: He’s not anorexic. He gets enough food in heaven. And he’s not locking-picking. He’s got keys.
So there you have it, and for the record, Christian says I’m being too critical.