I really haven’t had much in the way of excuses to feel particularly angry or frustrated this week, so just imagine my delight when I turned on the CNN this morning to discover the Youtube Republican Debates! Live! Score! In the course of a couple of hours, I was treated to a month’s worth of frustration, anger, and mind-numbing boredom. It looks like Christmas has come early this year.
Supposedly, at least according to newspapers and pundits, the Republican field is wide open. “Anyone could take it!” Ehh… I don’t think so. Of course, I also don’t think Giuliani has a shot at the nomination, and he’s supposedly the slight forerunner according to the media (think this might have something to do with most major media companies being based out of New York?). So let’s see here…
Presidents are tall, so first thing we gotta toss out the short guys. Happily, debates make this really easy, and in this case, Tancredo and Giuliani are a head below everyone else (plus Giuliani has this whole Nixon look about him and even the Republicans don’t want to reopen that box of explosives).
Next, let’s toss out the uglies: Fred Thompson and Ron Paul (though set Ron Paul aside because I’ll come back to him in a bit). And the over-saturated: That’s you McCain.
This leaves us with: Mike Huckabee, Duncan Hunter, and Mitt Romney… Wait. Who’s Duncan Hunter? Was he even at the debates ’cause I don’t remember him saying anything at all. I think we can go ahead and dump him…
Okay, so now we’re down to Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney, coincidentally these are the very same guys who are leading the latest polls in Iowa (I’ve never understood why we care so much about the polls in Iowa, but apparently we do).
Now, previous to the debates, I thought Mitt Romney had no chance based entirely on his name. I mean, come on, can you seriously picture yourself filling in the bubble next to a guy named “Mitt?” Isn’t that a baseball glove? However, having seen him in the debates, I gotta say, “That guy looks like a president.” And to further his cause, he’s a perfectly average debater. If there’s one thing we learned from the G.W./Anyone debates, it’s that in America, you don’t want to be too good.
Mike Huckabee (who is the spitting image of Kevin Spacey), on the other hand, completely passes another important test: you’d want to have a beer with the guy. He’s soooo freaking likeable. I want to have a beer with the guy, and I detest most of his political stances and beer. If you ran this guy against Hilary, he’d completely make her look like the reincarnation of Medusa. Plus, just imagine the campaign buttons: “I <heart> Huckabee!” That alone would get the (non-existent) vote of all those dejected indie-rock college students who are too cool to vote. And did I mention the guy looks exactly like Kevin Spacey?
The Wild Card: Remember Ron Paul? We tossed him out because he’s ugly. However, being as he’s a poorly closeted libertarian, which I think is the same political identity of a good portion of American voters (though they don’t seem to realize it), methinks the guy secretly appeals to a great many people (thus why he’s so well-funded by the anonymous internet). So I’m unwilling to completely toss him out. At the very least, if he decided to go and pull a Perot, he could really hurt whoever does get the Republican nomination. I would, however, love to see a Ron Paul v. Kucinich election. That would be an absolute riot.